SEX TIP, SAMPLE 2

The Nature of the Female Sex Drive
Sex Tip #009
written October 2003

Preface

The problem with much of the sexual data about women is that the authors are males, who either didn't know their subjects, or had some product or ideology to sell.  Many common notions about female sexuality stem from centuries of male-centric thought.  Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psychology, once declared that a frigid (sexually dysfunctional) woman is one that cannot orgasm from intercourse alone.  Well, Siggy, that's most women, therefore it's not a dysfunction.  Decades later Masters and Johnson, a more objective sexual research group, determined that a woman can have back-to-back orgasms by the dozen, creating the popular misconception that all women can.  This also isn't true.  What they failed to establish in their test group is what actually constitutes an orgasm, and qualifying whether or not what they were counting were orgasms.  Multiorgasmic women do exist, but are a minority.
     The problem with research about female sexuality conducted by women is that much of it (not all) has been conducted in the spirit of retaliation against traditional, male-centered thought, and therefore biased in the opposite direction.
     This essay is about women, but written by a man.  However, I can speak from a perspective that very few males, let alone researchers, can provide.  For information to be reliable, it must be drawn from a wide selection of cases, and be qualifiable.  Sex is a subject where few people are capable of honesty, even with themselves.  Most men derive their knowledge of female sexuality from their own limited number of intimate relationships and female friends.  With researchers, they may get in-depth information from their female subjects, but they do not personally know these subjects well enough to qualify their information, or to view the data within the context of the individual's personality.
     My perspectives below are from my own observations and extrapolations.  I've personally interviewed hundreds of women regarding their sexual histories, experiences, capabilities and inclinations.  But unlike a clinical researcher, I've befriended many of these women, and even been intimate with them on various levels, yet rarely with the trappings of an exclusive relationship.  With many, I've been their trusted partner in exploration, self discovery and overcoming sexual obstacles.  I've been able to know these women both before and after they made personal discoveries.  I'm also familiar with volumes of sexual research by numerous clinics, schools and "experts," but my conclusions are primarily my own.

Less Obvious

With all people, there are three virtual selves.  There is the person we deliberately project to the outer world (which is both exaggerated and minimized).  There is the person that we think we are (which is always inaccurate).  And finally, there is our true self (which we can hardly comprehend).  Both males and females tend to simultaneously exaggerate and conceal the specifics of their sexuality.  With males, however, the intensity of the sex drive is more visible than that of females.  Males are by design the sexual aggressors and initiators of the species, but females, being in a more passive and, ironically, judicial position, are more mysterious and subtle to the observer.
     But though the female drive is typically less visible and less intense, it's in many ways just as dynamic as the male sex drive.  The female reproductive system is more extensive than the male, consisting of breasts, ovaries, the uterus, and finally the vagina and clitoris.  The clitoris, when engorged, is both longer and thicker than commonly understood.  It internally follows the lower portion of the urethra, and encircles the vagina toward the perineum.  The clitoris is the primary sensory organ of the female body--the equivalent of the penis in men--and is responsible for most of the pleasure derived from oral, vaginal and even anal sex.  In my estimation, the clitoris is even more sensitive to physical stimulation than the male penis.  I believe women actually feel sex more intensely than men do.
     Another dynamic of female sexuality is that the range of what is normal, in behavior, preference and even physiology, varies more than in males.  For instance, most males prefer to orgasm 1 to 4 times per week, sometimes daily.  Women appear to want sex just as often, however not always with a partner, and not always to orgasm.  Yes, women want orgasms and partners.  But it's perfectly normal (and very common) for a woman to masturbate often, usually in private, without focusing on achieving orgasm.  This is almost unheard of among males.  Males arguably exist to ejaculate.
     It's also perfectly normal (though rare) for a woman's clitoris to erect and extend beyond her clitoral hood upon arousal, similar to a penis in both form and firmness.  But it's also perfectly normal (and more common) for the clitoris to remain beneath the hood (like a tiny, uncircumcised penis).  Furthermore, it's perfectly normal (though rare) for a woman to ejaculate lubricating fluids out of her urethra upon orgasm, similar to a male.  But it's normal (and more common) for women to not ejaculate, but simply lubricate throughout arousal.  It's even normal for an aroused vagina to lubricate insufficiently for coitus.

I've spoken to many women who, at first, claim to have little interest in sex, saying they rarely fantasize or desire it.  However, with closer scrutiny, I find their definition or awareness of what is a sexual fantasy incomplete.  They may actually masturbate, or stimulate themselves in some way, without recognizing it as such.  Women also seem to be far more secretive about masturbation.  Each woman, whether her sexuality is reserved or flamboyant, tends to have signature masturbatory methods and settings.  By signature, I mean personal and private.  Even if a woman is very open with her partner, even an exhibitionist, she still tends to have her own private, self-stimulatory routines.  Whether or not a woman externalizes her sensuality with a partner, or in fantasies involving partners, her need for stimulation remains.

Here are some of the more common, discreet, personal methods and settings women have told me about:

• masturbating while driving (under or over garments)
• masturbating while bathing (either with fingers, with water, or objects)
• self-stimulation while dressing
• rubbing with/against objects (corners of desks, chairs, TV remote, telephone, washing machine, pillows, stuffed animals)
• crossing legs (yes, it can cause tingles)
• swimming pool jets
• sitting on one foot/shoe (when women do this, most of the time it's not for stimulation)

Women also enjoy mental stimulation, such as pornography, but often more subtle, indirect or diluted means, such as gossip about the relationships and sexual encounters of others, daytime dramas (soap operas), shopping for clothes or lingerie (either in stores or magazines), or just people watching.  To males, such activities are hardly erotic.  But such is the nature of the female drive--it's more subtle, and "idles" at a lower level, but can "rev up" to great intensity under the right circumstances.
     Misunderstanding how subtle the female sex drive can be is probably why some researchers estimate that female sexual dysfunction (FSD) effects as many as 47% of the North American female population.  I would put the figure at less than 20%.  Male sexual dysfunction (erectile failure, inability to ejaculate) is so easily identified visually.  Often the same "obvious" standards are used to measure female responses.  Many discount or overlook the sexual responses women do have because they're searching for a "preferred" or "expected" response.  Such was Freud's mistake.

On the Inside

Some women are relatively free from the psychological baggage that inhibits most women.  But women approach sex with far more apprehensions than men do.  Like men, women worry about adequate performance and appearances, but to a far greater degree, they worry about reputation, abuse, rape, pregnancy and disease.
     Parents are well aware that males are the aggressors in courtship, and thus women are raised with far more warnings from parents, society, educators, clergy, mentors and peers about the potential hazards of sex.  Women are acutely aware that society judges women more harshly than men for promiscuity.  Women are also driven by culture to judge themselves according to popular notions of fashion and beauty, and to a greater degree than males.  Women have four times the incidence of eating disorders as males, and it's primarily from the fear of looking overweight.  One of the most common causes of decreased sexual appetite in women is because they "don't feel attractive."  Women also abuse narcotics 50% more frequently than men (women are arrested for drug use at a 3:2 ratio to men).
     Most women require emotional comfort before their genitalia become receptive to touch.  If the thought of sex, nudity or intimacy arouses apprehensions, insecurities and fears, responsiveness is undermined.  Likewise, even aroused women may never reach orgasm if they're obsessive about the noises they may make, or how they look.  I've met women who claim to respond to any sexual contact, regardless of their mindframe--but that's three women versus a multitude.
     Women are often unaware that the particulars of their bodies are normal, even beautiful.  I once met a woman who was an ejaculator.  She was afraid to orgasm with a partner because she thought she was incontinent.  After a little reasoning, I helped her understand that she wasn't urinating.  Many women are terrified of queefing (pussy farts), which are actually the fault of the position or the man's movements, in most cases.  And then there are the ever-present body issues.  I've met women who were ashamed of having a large clitoris, long inner labia, or even asymmetries--all of which are not only common, but can be loads of fun.
     Believe it or not, as much as "average" women think they have to look like models in order to be considered desirable, I've found the model types to have the most intense body issues.  In the planning phase of Firegirls.com, I attempted to recruit Fire Girls from among models.  I was turned down or stood up in most cases not because the girls had a moral objection to the work.  It was primarily their fear of showing their bodies.  I've seen stick-like women cry over their butts being too big.  I've seen gorgeous women with C-cup breasts insist they need breast implants.  I hear more self-loathing from the waifs than from the Reubenesques.  In my experience, girls with "average" bodies have been a little more confident, and commensurately more orgasmic, than the bikini girls.
     Other than body/attractiveness issues, psychological issues that derail responsiveness in women (as they also do in males) include:

• fears or frustrations concerning one's partner (the remedy to which is communication, perhaps with a mediator);
• guilt, whether from indiscretion, or from religious or cultural notions;
• anxiety about outcomes or performance;
• clinical depression (some individuals have conditions that make it difficult for them to feel entitled to receive pleasure); or
• associating sex with past traumas (victims of sexual abuse and rape often recall horrors while trying to become intimate--pornography can be a helpful therapy).

It's commonly stated that men reach their sexual peaks at 18, and women at 36.  This is a behavioral generality, not a physical fact.  Both males and females are at maximum potency in adolescence.  Truth be told, it's usually by a woman's mid-thirties that she's come to grips with the anxieties, expectations and apprehensions she has about sex and her own body, and finally is able to fully enjoy sex for sex's sake.  Women often enter a period of experimentation and self-discovery in their thirties or forties.  This period of renewed sensuality is often sustained right up to menopause, while men are often on a pronounced decline.
     Men are quite potent from early teens through their early thirties, however, in adulthood they quite literally get run down and discouraged by the incongruities they discover between themselves and women.  An 18 year old male simply enjoys youthful vitality without the knowledge of his obstacles.  With age, the male sex drive naturally declines, more so during the advance of cardiopulmonary disease (which women are largely protected from by hormones until menopause).  The male sexual peak may not be 18, but the female peak certainly isn't 36.  Technically it's closer to 18, in practice it may be as late as 45.

One of the common, yet less discussed psychological obstacles to female responsiveness is confusion about preference.  A sex therapist will not be likely to find out why Mrs. Jones isn't responding to Mr. Jones if her natural inclination is toward women.  People who refuse to believe sexual orientation is hereditary are unlikely to find lasting solutions to their frustrations.  Even if a person is certain about gender, we all do inherit preferences for particular body types, colorations and personalities.  I've found several blondes and tall women attractive in my day, but anyone who knows Alex Firestone knows he's utterly slain by petite brunettes.  Not having one's instinctive ideal as a partner shouldn't be detrimental to responsiveness, though some work and understanding from each partner would be required.  In issues of gender preference, a new relationship eventually becomes a necessity.  Societal factors and denial prevent some people from realizing their true sexual identity until well into adult life.

Women of any age can be (often have to be) the initiators, aggressors and actuators when it comes to sex.  For some women, this is their preferred method of courtship.  Perhaps for some this is hereditary, perhaps they prefer to be in control in the early stages, and perhaps it's their way of coping with stress.  There's nothing abnormal about a sexually aggressive woman.  The same is observed in other mammals.  Males may spend lots of time prowling, but they often don't get any until a female literally sticks it to them.

On the Outside

Many of the women who suffer sexual "dysfunctions" are told, or concerned, that there is something wrong with them.  Truthfully, there is nothing wrong with these women, but instead, something is wrong with the messages they have been given about their bodies, about normalcy, about men, about morality.  When these bad signals are merely identified for what they are, women often drop them and transform into a sexual beings without medication or therapy.  Just as men get discouraged about repeated sexual rejection, and take their sexualities "underground," women get discouraged about trying to understand or accept their own bodies.  Frustrated men cannot effectively ignore or stifle their sex drives, but a frustrated woman can actually divert her sexuality into other forms of sensuality, thereby "encrypting" her sex drive in more subtle and justifiable forms of passion.
     For example, a sexually frustrated woman might focus her sensual energies into eating, shopping, drama, fashion, dance, athletics, children, drugs, even spirituality.  All of these things are already natural conduits for both male and female expression, but a woman with a strongly inhibited sex drive will divert more, often an alarming concentration of her energy into these outlets.  Since the traditions of culture, religion and family put so many obstacles in the way of female sexual expression, it's more common to find women with misplaced passions (nonsexual obsessive behavior) than it is to find sexually confident women.  Conversely, a woman who engages in frequent, noncompulsive sex is statistically less likely to engage in obsessive behavior.  Women are very sexual beings, but thousands of years of bad ideas literally cause them to do what men can't do--divert those passionate energies into other outlets.  The few sexually active and "balanced" or "liberated" women I know tend to be less frantic about cosmetics, dieting, social dramatics or materialism than their peers.

For some women, overcoming their sexual anxieties is a long process, regardless of support and encouragement.  For some women, liberation happens in a blissful snap.  Each woman's psyche and chemistry is unique, and a product of heredity, personal physiology, health and life experience.  One woman, without psychological impediments might have a passive lovemaking style, and content with a few sessions per month.  Another woman, even with issues, may be an aggressive, almost insatiable lover.
     But even with a high sex drive, a woman's drive will fluctuate more visibly than a man's.  The male reproductive system has one primary function--to constantly produce new gametes (sperm) and fire them out of his body regularly for his adult lifespan.  The female reproductive system goes through remarkable changes a dozen times a year--becoming receptive to fertilization, waiting, then purging its egg and uterine lining in preparation for the next cycle.  Many women report that their sex drives become elevated during menstruation (their period), while others feel their sexual peaks just before or afterward.  Individual chemistry varies, but the point is a woman's drive fluctuates.  Other factors, such as surgery, pregnancy, miscarriage, childbirth, lactation, medications, menopause, hormone replacement therapy, hysterectomies, and diet often be a significant influence, up or down.
     Sudden life changes or revelations are powerful stimuli for women.  Males are excited by the thought (or sight or fantasy) of new sexual possibilities for short to moderate periods of time.  Women can be excited or inspired for long periods of time by personal discoveries or liberations (such as realizing their breasts aren't unappealing after all, or discovering they enjoy sex in public, or that their braces are actually a turn-on for some people, or becoming a Fire Girl).  I've seen women who reportedly never cared much for sex their whole lives become wildly sexual once certain revelations occurred.

Patterns

Here are some basic observations that I find consistent with most women I've known with some degree of sexual intimacy.  Please note that these women are mostly under 40, so these observations may apply less to more mature women.

The Value of Sex.  The core design of an adult male is to inseminate.  Psychologically, a male regards sex as critical for his well-being, so much that men regard their wealth, education, looks, or any other assets as a means to accomplishing sex.  Sex is also critical to a woman's well-being and identity, however, not being the pursuers of the species, it serves a much different role.  As a general rule, sex isn't an end, but a means for women.  At first glance, women often find this declaration insulting.  A harsher way I could state it is this: "Women will have sex to get love.  Men will say 'I love you' to get sex."  It's a survival instinct we're forced to live out--women want stability, men want to fuck.
     Women are certainly capable of enjoying sex for sex's sake, but women in general do NOT make the sacrifices men do in the name of sex.  The oldest profession isn't women paying for sex, it's women selling it.  Whether virtuous or a hooker, a woman "gives up" sex (with a man) as a means of gaining something--a commitment, dominance over another woman, revenge, access to higher social strata (the "in" group of her choice), to prove something to herself, to get pregnant, to prevent her man from straying (or to let her sleep), or just to round off a partying binge.  If you control a commodity that is in fierce demand, by nature you negotiate with it.  You may appreciate the commodity for its own merits, but ultimately its value is determined by its demand.  As women age or wear, their product becomes harder to negotiate with.  This may sound harsh, but I'm just exposing the core economics of sex.
     There is no fault in a woman demanding something for sex.  Such is the nature of our species.  Courtship, on its most basic level, is men finding ideal receptacles for their sperm, and women seeking "alpha males" for fertilization.  Men generate a demand for sex, primarily with alluring and agreeable women.  Women, by nature and wisdom, seek the highest-tier male (provider, survivor, protector, achiever) for breeding.  As an result of this, rather than a relationship, men often offer something material for sex.  Courtship is a test: can the man prove his status or capacity to acquire; can the woman prove her ability to excite and please?
     Even with casual sex and dating, women seek to prove to themselves (and their peers) that they can attract (and bed) an appealing man, whether it's his humor, status, wealth, occupation, prowess, or beauty.  Sometimes it's the understanding ear and thoughtful touch that woos a lady, but for casual sex, the number one draw for males is status (fame), after that it's beauty, then humor, then wealth/occupation, then prowess.  When a woman is fishing for keeps, wealth moves up a notch.  It's fair.  If a man is searching for top-shelf woman commodity, his best bet is to offer top-shelf man commodity.  Ultimately, the establishment of any relationship is a trade, and it's the individual that determines what is desirable.  For women, way more than men, sex is a bargaining chip.  The supermodels marry rock stars.  Strippers marry businessmen and comedians.  Ballet dancers, if they don't become strippers, marry the nice guy or the strong-willed man who helps them overcome eating disorders.

Veneer.  Instinctively, women know the value of sex to new and potential male partners.  Therefore women will accentuate, more often exaggerate, their sexuality.  They not only do this in visual ways--lose weight, paint up, dress up, dance and strut--but do so in word and deed.  Until a woman is secure in a relationship, she is highly likely to engage in sex with much greater frequency.  Men will often groom better in seeking and attaining a new partner, but are more likely to downplay their sexual appetite than exaggerate it.  Most women I've observed will engage in sex many times more than their natural equilibrium early in a relationship, and claim that it's their normal preference.  In other words, a woman that normally prefers sex twice a week might have sex ten times a week at the onset of a new relationship, and say that it's her normal or preferred frequency, but later gravitate back to twice a week--and even strenuously defend that level.  I surveyed my members about the changes in the frequency of sex in a relationship over time, and in 96% of the cases sex declined dramatically, and in no case did it increase.
     This same behavior is parallel with, and has the same cause as the tendency for women (and men) to gain weight after getting married, or well established in a relationship.  Once you're not aggressively trying to sell a used car, you're not washing and waxing it as often.

The Power of Your Face.  Another thing men tend to forget is the difference in how women perceive their mates.  There's a saying, "men fall in love with whom they're attracted, and women become more and more attracted to whom they love."  This is not to say your woman's not going to get horny over a male stripper, so please, guys, don't let yourselves go.  But it means that keeping your lady's admiration and libido doesn't depend solely on your being young and virile.  Women want and need to feel like a part of their counterpart.  The puzzle piece that fits.  In other words, to keep her sexual, and in love, a man's number-one mission is to simply stay connected to her.  At LEAST once a week, have a long talk with her about your life together--listening, confessing, contemplating, planning, laughing, and no matter how corny and mushy it gets--complimenting.  You need to compliment your woman and tell her you love her more often than you wish you could fuck her.  Why?  Not just for her sake, but to compound and refresh in your mind the reasons you love her--this is also the trick to being happy with a woman.
     The more often you have a heart-to-heart, the more often you do little things for a woman, the more often you're THERE with her, the easier she will let go of anxieties the world has instilled in her, and become comfortable opening up to you.  Even if you're not in a committed relationship with a woman, just sincerely DEMONSTRATING that you care about her, or simply enjoy her, will bring you intimacy on a level that booze can't achieve.  This is why the Fire Girls open up so beautifully and honestly--they KNOW they're appreciated, and they trust me.  Show a woman your face.

The Panty Dropper.  Finally, for those of you who are in a relationship with a woman, but frustrated at sex becoming less and less frequent, there is, in fact, a secret formula to get her to open up to you again (unless she has a legitimate medical condition holding her back).  It's an extension of the logic in the above paragraphs.  Follow this procedure:

• Clean yourself up, like you're getting ready to meet an important person (because you are).  You would do the same if you were about to meet a lover for an affair.  Scrub your ass crack.  Bonus points if you approach her with flowers (especially if you rarely get her flowers).
• Sit down together.  Eye contact.  Smile.
• Tell her she's very important to you.  If you don't normally say it often, you really need to make it sincere and descriptive.  Tell her why.
       If there's anything you've been making a priority over her, even temporarily, admit it.  Tell her that she is far more important, and that as important as accomplishing (whatever) is to you, being close to her is way more important.  Even say you're sorry, and that the fear of being farther from her hurts you, and that her happiness is very important to you.
• If there are multiple things you've been making a priority over her, repeat the previous step with each one.
• Tell her you want to do something for her (think of two or three things that she would REALLY appreciate--something to buy, do, or allow--but make it a MULTIPLE CHOICE question, NOT a fill-in-the-blank).  An offer for dinner is always good, whether you go out, make it at home or call for Chinese.
       I've got a major suggestion for you romantic cripples--find something of yours that you don't really need, that she hates, and sell or pawn it, and use that money to help you get her something above the normal.  She will remember that for a year, AND she will tell her girlfriends.  Trust me, she'll remember your sacrifice long after you forgot about it.
• If she interjects that she feels responsible for being distant, or wants to confess her love, appreciation, by all means, let her--but listen--and thank her for it.  Tell her how it made you feel.
• While you're spending this time together, be positive, complimenting, sincere, open minded... but get to the very important point that you miss how wonderful she makes you feel when you're intimate.  If you've never told her something like that before, make it known.  You wouldn't be doing all this if it didn't make you feel wonderful.  Dude, this is where a woman's enthusiasm comes from (unless you're rich or famous).  While you talk to her, touch her hand, stroke her hair, whatever calms and reassures her.
• Tell her you want her, right now.  Include any of the following (best to pick one, or make up your own, depending on your knowledge of her personality):
  • You realize life is so short, and you've been missing out on her.
  • That you never feel more alive than when you're having sex with her.
  • That you want her to instruct you.
  • That the goddess Aphrodite appeared to you, and prophesied that your life will end if you don't make love to her that very night (or lunch break).

For more particulars about male and female sexual behavior, see these additional tips and tricks:

• Sex Tip 008: The Nature of the Male Sex Drive
• Sex Tip 011: Common Misconceptions about Women
• Sex Tip 020: Fellatio Fears
• Sex Tip 021: Cunnilingus Fears
• Sex Tip 040: The Morals of Oral Sex
• Sex Tip 060: Gender Identity and Courtship
• Sex Tip 082: The Myth of Frigidity
• Sex Tip 095: Recovering from Infidelity
• Sex Tip 005: Penetration Rules Most Men Don't Know
• Sex Trick 003: Finding a Woman's G-Spot
• Sex Trick 010: Touching that Turns Her On and Off
• Sex Trick 012: Increasing Female Sensitivity
• Sex Trick 024: Copulation is Usually Not Enough for Her